The Ace of Utah
by Gemma Mindell
Otto left the ancient stone of his birth town, a place named Ass, which means Ace in the English tongue, carrying a wooden crate of savings and a bright, naive dream. He crossed the Atlantic and climbed the high mountain passes to settle in a valley of neat lawns and quiet chapels, a conservative corner of northern Utah where tradition stood firm.
He traded his homeland for the wide western sky, knowing that boiled potatoes and sour cabbage would never fill the bellies of the local farmers and mechanics. So Otto chose the great American icon, the beef patty, investing every mark he had saved into a diner with a gleaming grill. He painted the sign himself in bold, proud letters: “Assburgers,” it read, high above the main street asphalt.
The town elders blinked in the bright desert sun. The mayor visited, clearing his throat with heavy caution, and neighbors whispered behind lace curtains at the crossroads. They told him the name was an affront, a public stain, but Otto only smiled with the confidence of a newcomer, insisting the people of Utah were grand, open-minded souls who would see the literal truth of his German origin and know that no malice or vulgarity was ever intended.
The citizens remained deeply, profoundly unconvinced, their doubts multiplying like rabbits when the menus arrived. Otto insisted he was just being playful with his new language, but the griddled offerings spoke a different, cheeky dialect. The menu board listed the choices in black vinyl letters:
- The Gluteus Maximus – A double-patty beast with extra meat.
- The Rump Roast Special – Smothered in thick brown gravy.
- The Backside Bacon Deluxe – Piled high with cured pork strips.
- The Hindquarter Quarter-Pounder – Standard fare for the hungry.
- The Derrière Dip – Served with a cup of hot au jus.
- The Bottom-Less Basket – A mountain of endless golden fries.
- The Cheeky Cheese – Melted cheddar oozing from both sides.
- The Moon Over Wasatch – A fried egg balanced on a round bun.
- The Caboose – A heavy dessert shake to end the long train.
- The Tail-End Tenders – Crispy chicken strips with dipping sauce.
Teenagers giggled in the parking lot after the Friday game, whle church vans pointedly detoured two blocks wide of his lot. Otto stood by his register in a clean white apron, wiping the counter and wondering why the tables remained so bare, still certain that tomorrow the town would finally understand.
